One of my very first big girl kiss was in a closet with a guy in grade 8 ( I am not counting the one with my babysitter’s Maria granddaughter). Anyhu, here I found myself in a stinky ass closet with a boy that came up only to my boobs (to his delight, and my dismay!). I bent over, no….way over and caught a wiff of something, i thnk it was cedar or well and I came to a thought that there is such truth to say that sometimes the upper lips can smell. And thinking back to  I this troll doll I decided to come up with my own HOW TO KISS tutorial.

1. Use tongue sparingly-I hate it when a man just throws the tongue in there as if it is a prerequisite. I remember when I dated this guy in grade 11 and he tongued so much that he wore off my foundation…dear….i wasn’t even wearing any! Bitch licked my face so bad he missed my mouth, took in my lashes, my cheeks and my eyebrows. Nasty! And I thought that at the time when I broke up over the kiss that I was being a bit shallow, but no. And the funny thing was that I got to talking to his ex (the one right after me) and the girl told me that she broke up with him for the same reason-the unforgivable kiss! We laughed and laughed; it just felt good to know that I am not crazy after all.

2. The teeth-Watch out for it. The occasional tap tap is fine, but not all the time. And did I tell you the time when I think I caught gingevitis from a fellow kisser. Not quite the nice situtation to be put in. So make sure whites are pearly and everything is zestfully clean. I know this should be a given, but honey you would be surprised on how many people forget this step.

3. Watch the braces- Invasilgn anyone??? You don’t want to cut your mate up so much that by the time she was done she has a big ass case of herpes or cold sore or something.  Soft kisses. Remember soft kisses.

4. Wash your upper lip- I have kissed many a man who somehting don’t smell quite right. Less like Paco Raban and more like cheese puffs. You ever hear of a saying,”Smell your upper lip?” Well, smell it. Cause it is soo nasty when smells other than your cologne/perfume deters you from the tasks at hand.  And wash that moustache and/or beard too cause that is where the smells come from as well. I once kissed a boyfriend whose moustache smelt like pine. Not Pine sol. Just Pine. Fuck that shit.

5. A little dick is okay-I am not talking a dick in the mouth here. I am talking about letting his john thomas stand up and wave down a cab. It adds to the moment I feel. Makes it quite the steamy.

6. Choose the best perfume/cologne with care. I love those exotic slightly musky smells. The kind that gets the man a talking. Loves it. I am perchant to Yves St. laurent Rive Gauche. It smells so snooty and elegant. Like a debutante gone bad.  And make sure to place it like a trail for him to follow.

So that is my kissing tutorial in a nut shell.  It is not brain science, but I am trying to do my part to add to the world and its woes. And remember- GINGEVITIS. That’s all I am saying GINGEVITIS.

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