For my sex tape I would need the following (Cause you know how I do):

Call time: 12noon (I want to arrive fully awake and committed!) I hate non-professionals! Wait let me rethink this last statement.

I need a camera crew for steady camera action.

Director-I would get Oliver Stone, but then he would try to stretch it into a 3 hour festival and I would be too sore for that. If I went with Woody Allen, he would just over-think the whole process of sex and I would need a shrink later. If I went with the Transformers director, Michael Bay, then he would probably be into using too many mechanical things. I think I would go for Tom Cruise. He is probably looking for something juicy as his first directorial debut, cause Katie looks like she wouldn’t be into too much of the kinky thang!

Film Editor- I would like an editing firm to edit the scenes. I would mix in candid interviews with behind the scenes footage.  Not too much cock close-ups. It IS all about moi.

Retoucher-Hell hath no fury than a woman who looks ugly in a sex tape! I would definitely have someone retouch everything. If there is a pubic hair out of place-gone! An unsightly mole on one’s behind-transformed into a beauty mark.

Hairdresser, make-up and Stylist-One always need full body make-up and contour make-up on the face for higher cheek bones. I want the hairdresser that does the girls in Playboy. I want big voluminous hair. So big it would be listed as a co-star! I would prefer a Bardot look. No streaks. No sex tape looks good with any streaks in said hair.

Borrowed jewels- Cartier or Harry Winston. He will need a man ring. I love a man with a ring on the pinky. Very godfather-ish with a Studio 54 appeal. Every girl knows that having a well placed diamond necklace will make your bosoms look bigger. No big earrings I don’t want to look like a kinky Yenta!

Prop stylist- I want a bedroom set that is decadent. And if we happen to have a second set, say in the kitchen. I need to have the appropriate props such as whip cream, champagne, strawberry, chocolate and mayonnaise for my buns.

Nutritionist-I need one of these to guide me on a 3^rd day detox before shooting. I want not only to drop the needed 15 pounds that the camera adds, but I don’t want any chance of farting or queefing going on while I change positions.

Wardrobe mistress- I need someone to spritz my face to keep my make-up dewy, also wipe his face between takes, cause I hate too much sweat. I also need her to brush my hair (the one on my head) in between takes. Also need them to grab any lingerie pieces I might need without having to leave the bed.

Background models-Mmmn, maybe…maybe not. The thing about having too many players is that one always tries to outperform and I don’t want any one to take the starring role from me.

Chauffeur- I want to arrive fresh and rested. I don’t need stretch limo; a park car with air conditioning and TV. No transit!

Publicist-I need to make sure that there is a marketing plan in place. Call Letterman, Oprah, Regis & Kelly, Jimmy and Conan. Hell, get Jay out of retirement!

Waxer- In case, he has ass and back hair a la Robin Williams. One should never have to hold a man’s back hair like she was holding the reins of a horse! As for myself, I enjoy a full, yet manicured bush, but for this event (and this is an event!) I would like it waxed into a shape of a star!

Wind machine- The right wind (no pun intended) can really add some drama to this pic. I want my hair and his to go a flutter. I want the curtains in the background to move in motion in our oiled up bodies (do people even do that any more).

D.J.- Maybe Samantha Ronson….maybe not, cause I know that Lindsay will try to throw herself all up in the mix and try to nab a starring role, since she hasn’t been getting a lot of quality parts lately; so I will just settle for D.J. Sky Nellor.

But, I digress.

In reality, I only need the following for my sex tape:

Body Double

Nuff said.

So my possums, the moral of this story is, having a sex tape is a guaranteed trip on the road to being famous, but no amount of pills AND having the mother I have would only guarantee a trip to some major ass whipping! Yes. Ass-whooping at my age!

Luv,

Lucresia

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