I am the type of person who would definitely be uncomfortable with the finger exam.

I remember when my father came home one day after his physical exam. He sat on the couch quite softly, after he grabbed his usual after-the-doctor drink. But, this time the glass was a little bit larger than most. As a child, I was curious to find out what happens during them. My father told me that the doctor checked his heart rate, his eyes, ears, stuck his finger up his bottom, made him cough, and took the hammer to his knees.

HELLO, Papa can you hear me?

REWIND!

I made my father back it on up (sorry for the puns, but you know how I do) to the part about the finger in the bottom.

It wouldn’t be for many years that I found out that the doctor also checked my father’s penis. Myself, being without one, obviously would not have found this out on my own.

So naturally, as I thought about my father’s ordeal and the fact that I may never ever try anal sex, I decided to at least do some more research.

First off, I started to watch a not-so-artsy film staring a couple who looked like they enjoyed what they were doing. So, I took this with a grain of salt, cause it is a film. And with all that hooting and hollering, I knew that there was no way that this was for real. The next “film” I found, had a guy that took turns between two girls. And for some reason the camera guy took it upon himself to give the audience a close up of both cracks.

Now, this is what I call reality!

While one girl seemed to enjoy it immensely (and by the look of her crack it looked like she receive this often), the other girl (whose hole was way smaller) started screaming like a banchee.

Now that is more like it!

This girl was way more relatable! She started thrashing around like a large tuna caught in a fisherman’s net!

So, naturally, I was put off again. But, not before I dug further into this subject about a penis nearing my bottom.

And do you know what I found?

Humpf!

But, let me ask you-have you ever encountered Santorum?

You heard me and yes I put it in bold-Santorum?

Apparently, a lot of people, mostly men, encounter it.

Santorum is a frothy mixture of lubricant and do-do.

I personally have never heard a man complain about this before, but why would they; they are getting some. Now, I for one am not above it all, but I know that in certain social circles that would be considered quite uncouth!

Kind of like a witches brew, no?

And so my possums, I leave you with the moral of the story which is-don’t squeeze a cat when it is wet!

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