First came off the earrings.

Then my shoes, cause we all know that being barefoot gives you better traction.

I had just enough time to contemplate whether or not to take off the toe ring.

If the tracks of my weave could come out then I would do that too.

I lifted both my breasts out of my bra, so that my large bosoms can help out when they could.

I did take my rings off my finger cause it would not be fair.

They say that when you are near the end of your life you often see images of yester- years passing you by. I saw my mother giving birth to me, I saw myself playing checkers with my papito, I thought I saw myself getting my hair and nails done, and I know I saw myself making love, but there was no one there (maybe he went to the bathroom). I did, however, see the end of this fight.

And I won.

It all started with me  at McDonald’s trying to find something suitable to eat, when I stepped into the line. You know that with me being on a diet, there are not many options. Clearly, the woman was already upset because a whole bunch of teenagers came and “budded” in front of her. But, yet the Jigga decided that it was going to be me on her menu!

Why is it when people have a bad day that they chose not only to blame you, but blame your ancestors, your family and your unborn children???

And I was not having it!

If this woman was going to go way back and act like a Neanderthal, then I too, was going to go back and act like an ignate cavewoman!

She tried to make me feel like Hugh Grant after he got caught with the prostitute, but I felt more like Hugh Grant after he beat up the paparazzi!

But, let me tell you that God invented hair tossing for a reason-for dramatic effect! I sussed that Jigga out and she didn’t even know that it was coming! She took off! People cheered for me! I felt like a hero.

As you know that I have magazines in my bamboo basket at home in my zebra and Buddha filled bathroom. And you know that I collect old fashion magazines too. And as you also remember that when I am in a compromising position on the toilet, my magazine covers tend to smile back at me…unless, it is Italian Vogue, then they are just smoldering  at me. Well, instead of seeing Drew Barrymore, this time I had Nicole Richie on the cover of Bazaar. She did smile at me, but her smile was more like-“Oooh girl, you’s in trouble!” And when a former party girl now turned new mother hen looks at you in that way, you know more change needs to come.

Yes, people, I need more Jesus in my life!

I tried to go over the scriptures in my head, but I kept on grasping at straws. Not the Ten Commandments (I got over that a long time ago, when I kept on getting stuck on one of them, which one, never you mind). I kept on asking myself what would Jesus do? I know Jesus would pray for her…pray that someone comes around and really socks that mother in the mouth!

….or maybe not.

So again I looked back at Nicole Richie and she was like, “Oh chile, look how I do. I exchanged one man for the next, I gave up Lindsay Lohan and brought Joel into my life. And then I had a baby and now I am Earth Mother Goddess with really amazing hair! You can do the same. You need to let go of what is not working in your character and go from there.”

And I said to Nicole, “Ms.Rachel-Zoe-Jennifer-Aniston look-a-like, I will do. I have to examine that it is not enough of letting people or objects go, but bad behaviors too. I need to do this…and quietly, without GOD finding out, because HE has a way that when you want to get rid of anger, he will bring more issues with anger in your life to deal with and I have enough drama already!”

And when Nicole didn’t reply, I figured it was because I realized that she was on a magazine cover not that real.  I don’t think she realized it cause she ended up still smiling at me.

So the moral of the story is-there is a reason why they have that big M on their sign. It stands for Muthaf’er and that’s how it went down!

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