So, it is my first day out of the hospital and I have to go to the bank. I need to withdraw $500.

I am a big baller.

You know how I do.

Anyways, I put in my card and typed in the amount that I needed, again the $500.00. I waited the customary time, one has to wait for the machine to gather the information that is given and spew out my money. Well, possum, but let me ask you, have you ever heard of Pandora’s Box? Well, I am here to tell you that there is NOTHING inside! Absolutely nothing!

The machine opened its doors.

The machine made a noise.

The machine closed its doors.

The machine didn’t give me no money!!!!

It was like being with a man who shot blanks! Now I know what my mom complains about!

But, let me tell you how I heard violins playing a sonata in my ear as I dialed the customer service number that I have memorized. The sonata played cause I needed to calm down my temper and my pressure pills where no to be found!

Possums, do you know that you can rip an asshole over the phone? In certain social circles, I guess it is called “long-distance tearing of one’s hole of an ass”. But, it is not the same as ripping one open in person!!!

By far!

What made the situation worse was the conversation that we had, which went something like this:

“Thank-you for calling XYZ Bank of Such Mandacity, Miss Linton how can I assist you today?”

“My Money. The machine didn’t give me my Bumbaclawt money!”

(Please Note: I prefer to swear in Jamaican. Not only does it keep me in touch with my ancestors’ roots, but it gives an air of elegance to swearing that can’t be matched. I think it sounds very cultured swearing in a different language/dialect. Non?)

“Okay, Ma’am let me look into that for you. I see here that you made a withdrawal of $500, is that correct?” he asked.

Long Pause. I am praying.

“Yes, that is what I said, but no money came out!”

“So, you are saying that no money came out of the machine?” he asked.

Long Pause. I am still praying and the sonata is now playing SIDE B!

“Yes, the machine made a loud noise, opened up and then shut down again without giving me my money!”

“So, what you are saying Ma’am is that the machine opened up and then closed again without giving you the money?” he asked.

“THAT IS CORRECT!”

“And it was $500. correct?” he asked.

“YES!”

“And you said the machine made a noise?” he asked.

Silence. I am now stewing. Stewing and praying.

“Well, Ma’am it looks like there may be a problem with the ATM,” he stated.

“YOU THINK!”

“Well, Ma’am are you at the branch right now?” he asked.

“Yes, I am in front of the bumbaclawt thing right now!” I answered.

“Well, it looks like they are closed,” he said.

“Mmmn,” I replied.

“So, all I can do is send out the message to the branch’s manager and see if they can help you. They open at 9:30AM,” he stated.

“I will be there first thing in the morning! And someone better be there to give me back my money!”

“Is there anything else that I can help you today, Miss Linton?” he asked.

No answer.

My mother always taught me that one should never say anything at all, if they can’t think of anything nice to say. Who knew that anything that woman said would come of use and bring me comfort in my time of need.

“Well, enjoy the rest of your evening, and thank-you for using XYZ Bank of-.”

Click.

All I know is Possums they better pull that money out of their asses come morning!

Now that is $500.00 magic trick that I’ll like to see!

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