So, Possums, do you know that not all massage therapists are alike?

I went trekking around my cousin’s new neighborhood, the other day. Actually, I decided to watch her Burberry-covered children for a few hours, and when I left, instead of staying for dinner, as payment for my services, I was moved to trot lightly around her block and check out her surroundings.

Watching her children was payment enough!

Uh-uh!

So, I picked up a gelato, okay it was an ice cream, but I am Sophia Loren this month, and I know it is cold outside, but I was so warm in my faux fur coat that I needed to cool off.

When I bit into the gelato, the shivers actually made me act up that I ended up throwing a kink in my neck! And God must of felt my pain, or he knew that I would have bored Him to tears later, that he decided to put in my path a massage place.

It looked decent enough. It quickly drew me in by having my favorite two things in décor-pink and flash! It had a large huge ginormous hot pink sign that flashed -Massage Here.

Their magazine tastes were quite questionable. I have never seen those kinds of magazines in my doctor’s office. But, I bet if he had them, he would be so less stressed out! Non? I quickly browsed through them, but ended up putting it down cause I was getting the tingles.

Down there.

Next, the receptionist approached me. I thought how great that they try to make their clients feel comfortable by you choosing which female massage therapist you get. Each girl had a different price, which I thought was weird, but since my therapist only has one person working in the office, maybe if he had two people he would charge different rates, as well.

I suppose each girl has a special talent, so I decided to go with the most expensive one. I looked in my wallet and just had a small fistful of cash and my credit card. The receptionist asked if I minded paying in cash. I thought nothing of it.  So, since I only had so much, I decided I would have to go with the cheaper girl. I picked the tall slim one, cause I liked her bangs!

Possums, you don’t know this about me, but I love bangs! If it were all possible, everything including between my legs would have bangs! But, alas all chemicals out there are way too strong to put on your coco and then it can give you such a nasty burn, and when you do go to the doctor’s office, he asks you to undress and you are like, “Really?? Is this really necessary?” And he leaves and comes back in with his nurse, for security reasons cause apparently, one of the doctors that were there had to leave cause I guess he liked to get it on with his patients and occasionally the nurse! And then the doctor slides his way over to me and almost falls off his chair, but not before squinting, quite largely, if there is such a thing as squinting largely, and he even brings the light up close, so close that the heat almost singes off the little bit of hair that’s left and then he asks himself aloud that he has not seen such a flare up of an STD simplex to the nines and gives me a look as if to say that he has never seen such a plain outcry of a patient’s vagina before! So much so, that he has to look back at the charts and make sure that there is no history of sexual diseases in present, EVER, but he does notice that there is a history of family insanity duly noted, of the patient in question’s mother.

But, of course!

He reminds the said patient that although Revlon makes a lot of products for women, they do not make products that are suppose to go on the vagina!  And not only does he write a prescription for ointment, a cooling salve, and antibiotics, but also writes up a referral and promptly signs it for a psychiatrist!

Not that this has happen to me.

It is just a for instance!

I have to admit, it so nice of them to hand over a gorgeous teal Kimono for me to wear and it even accommodated my plump size! How divine!

I was lead to a small, but allowing room that had a small massage table. “It’s like a den of iniquity,” I thought to myself.

“You like, Miss?” she asked as she massaged the oil into my shoulders.

“Why, yes, thank-you!”

“You like, Miss?” she asked as she massaged the oil down the small of my back.

“Why, yes, thank-you!”

“You like, Miss?” she asked when she massaged my left cheek and then her hand slipped right down between them and then touched my teeter totter!

“Oh, HELL NAH!”

They say sometimes in life God gives you lemons and when that happens you should make lemonade. Well, I say, in life when God gives you a bike, make like a bitch and ride!

All of the sudden I felt, sick. I have been used and abused before, but at least I kind of knew that it was coming. This was more like a subway train, and I didn’t feel like getting on. Images of the wooden paneled walls and plastic palm trees and cheap massage oil swirled around me! I couldn’t take it anymore! I said to her, “Dear, I don’t know what you have heard, but I,  Madame am a lady!” And with that I quickly ran into the hallway, let my kimono drop to my knees and stood stark naked as I busied myself in getting my clothes on.

Miss Kitty said some insensitive things to me in Korean, only stopping when I let her know that I understood everything she said.

SIDE NOTE: Do you know that the same things are said, not only at a massage parlor, but while you are getting your nails done too?

That night, I laid in my bed in serious piss-off-station thinking to myself, why did I spend my good hard earn money at such an establishment without getting a full rub down! But, then I realized, with glee, that I hadn’t paid! Maybe that is why Miss Kitty was yelling and waving me down the street.

And to think I was gonna get me the hot stone massage!

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